Moving from self-destruct to self-love
I did it again. I'm not proud of it, but I admit to it, and I think you can relate to it too.
I compromised my well-being and I couldn't pinpoint why I didn't realise it sooner until I sat myself down with some hard truths. Journaling will take you on a journey. It has a way of exposing your heart, and once the ink flows, believe me, you'll pour until you tell yourself that's enough now.
The revelation about myself is the inspiration behind this post. I was able to identify detrimental beliefs that shaped my behaviour and habits, and I hope this revelation is insightful to you as it was to me.
First off, let's look at how I betrayed myself, and if you recognise any of these self-sabotaging statements, please keep on reading - there's healing in transparency:
not enforcing my boundaries and ignoring the red flags
overextending myself to accommodate everyone's needs, afterall, I'm a helper that values peace
looking for recognition to validate myself or approval-seeking from people I love, e.g. family
attaching age to a goal
being nice instead of being kind
undermining myself
distracting myself, a sense of escapism
compromising on my values, my desires and my dreams - being indecisive
muting my voice but internalising the situation
not forgiving myself, being too critical with myself
false guilt, e.g. feeling guilty or not even spending on myself - except when it comes to food - ya' girl got to eat
tolerating toxic behaviours from people that I love
showing up for others but not doing the same for myself
We hear it all the time, and there is a reason why self-love is a growing trend, but we can be guilty of failing to practise what we preach when the spotlight is on us, or we may have the knowledge, but the application does not align with what we know. This very reason is why we get in our way.
It's easy to lose sight of taking care of yourself when we get caught up with what's happening in and around us, but don't let it feel like it's a hurdle to love yourself - are you not worth it? [I seriously had to remind myself of these words, and then I had a flashback to the moment I created I AM Enough].
I would never want to be accused of betrayal, so why did I think it was ok to betray myself? I became naive with self-love, no matter how much I promoted it and advised others, I had mastered self-destruction, then wondered why I was unhappy, burnt out and oftentimes unwell. The illusion of not being self-aware is very detrimental to your personal growth and compromises your inner peace. I would say that I've learnt the hard way that self-love is essential to your well-being, and I'm still learning to extend the knowledge to myself.
We become the instrument to our heartbreak when we project on others to love us, but don't reciprocate the love we give to ourselves.
My self-defeating behaviours served a purpose, and I thought it was a justified healthy purpose until it took its toll on my relationship. I was able to see the impact of unaddressed traumas. I believed it gave me a sense of goodwill, protection, and acceptance (belonging); even though this was a false perception, I had comforted myself in these.
So, let's address the root cause of why we abandon ourselves to break the cycle and live in authenticity. I've listed four influencers, but it's not constrained to these four characteristics.
Distorted Unconscious Beliefs Will Have You Thinking That You're In Control
I had to start with this one because your mindset is everything. When you believe a lie, you will live a lie, and the lies I echoed to myself had grown into a tree bearing fruits of low self-esteem, fear, people-pleasing, passivity, and perfectionism. I thought if I saw them for what it was, it meant my character was flawed, and I wasn't about to accept that. But the truth is, these sets of behaviours stem from having unhealthy beliefs oftentimes associated with traumatic experiences that were internalised and never dealt with.
I aim to live a selfless life, but that doesn't mean living a self-deluded life. When we recognise what limiting beliefs we are leveraging, we can begin to change our mindset over time. My ma told me once you renew your mind you step into your power, and that couldn't be further from the truth. We must become mindful of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours to align them to what we truly value, and that's how we overcome ourselves.
Reliving In The Past Traps You In The Present You are never the same once you experience physical, emotional or physiological distress, but not healing from these incidents can form foundational beliefs which our critical inner voice takes note of.
When I listened to its directiveness and recalled events, I often replayed the emotions that arose from how I felt and engaged in self-limiting or self-sabotaging behaviours which affected my daily life. As a means of self-preservation, I adopted defensive behaviours such as avoidance. This behaviour was attributed to a fear of rejection and self-doubt.
One of the biggest barriers to any happiness is yourself, as you become the stumbling block to what you truly desire. Unfortunately, we cannot rewind time to heal the past, but we can focus on what's in our control to regain our life. Even events that didn't take part in your life can shape your life such as generational wounds, which we must be mindful of.
Act Without Expectations, But Keep The Courage To Fan The Flame Of Hope
This right here will save you heartbreak. You cannot expect people to have the same heart as you or else you would be in for a rude awakening. One must be centred within to not be overcome by external influences. I can hear my friend's voice in my head as he reminds me to always stay centred like it's an easy thing to achieve, but once you're mindful of this it does become easier.
What you centre yourself in matters, it's unwise to place your expectations in uncertainty. People change including yourself and situations are not always in our control, so when we attach our security, happiness, and love to these things, it's usually to fill a void and be comforted. We are likely to become frustrated when our projection of the outcome is not met because we have transferred the power to let external influences fulfil us one way or the other.
But what happens if it's a repetitive disappointment? That became my question as it suffocated my hope. I wore a mask to say that I'm strong just to push through and distracted myself with work, and that wasn't the solution. We truly let our hearts get disappointed and overwhelmed as we do not become good stewards of managing our emotions. The significance of the meaning we attach to the expectation is what makes us upset and hurt, so I've decided to rephrase "expectation" with "preferences" to make my disappointment manageable and not feel like I'm entitled to it. A grateful heart has no room for disappointment.
Accountability Is Impossible Without Truth Ignoring certain truths creates a resistance to change when you are unable to receive or even identify constructive criticism. Keyword - constructive, which leads to a beneficial outcome when taken heed to. We all have blind spots, and it's helpful to know when you have a support network that won't shy away from telling you the truth, but how it's delivered and received matters or else it becomes a cycle of creating traumatic experiences.
Unfortunately, I've been on both ends whereby I felt attacked and was accused of being too harsh. This usually derives from miscommunication along with the coping behaviours both parties adopt in order not to feel vulnerable and weak. I realised that status or intimacy of your relationship doesn't always determine the communication style you use. You can't just say anything, anyhow. One must be sensitive to deliver criticism with tender, loving, care, or else they are more likely to isolate any truth in what's said from the language they perceived as painful, unfair or uncalled for.
But you ultimately pay the cost as you manipulate yourself to ignore certain truths by letting your emotions override your judgment. I'm learning to be patient and practice the pause, rather than internalising everything that's said and making it personal: pause before judging; pause before assuming; pause before accusing; pause whenever you're about to react harshly, and you'll avoid doing and saying things you'll later regret.
Let's Walk In Love, The Medicine We All Need
Unknowingly, many of us have destructive coping mechanisms that can cause us to not practice self-love. Identifying the reasons why we engage in self-sabotage and taking deliberate actions to stop these patterns of behaviour from manifesting can be a turning point in your life.
Now that I've shared how I sabotaged myself, it's important that I don't just leave you there, but give you an insight into what my journey to reclaiming myself looks like, is a start to something beautiful and that's all that matters:
meditated on what's in my heart and challenged any negative self-talk
created the lovely journal Intentions & Reflections to help myself and others become more self-aware and move into purpose
I say no often, and not just for the sake of saying it
finally got round to painting my room a brighter colour (still to be completed)
took myself shopping and bought me flowers
being open with my accountability partners
booked my first yoni steam - I was detoxing everything mind, body and spirit, shout out to YoniLuv
deleted people and conversations
more aware of my people-pleasing behaviours and kicking them to the curb
I hope that you can also join me on this journey to reclaiming yourself. Browse our Wellness Collection and nourish your spirit and soul.
5 Journal Prompts For You: This Is "Checking-In" With Yourself:
In what ways I'm I betraying myself, and why?
How can I show love to myself? What do I need to do at this moment to take care of myself?
What values do you consider most important in your life? How do your actions align with your values?
What boundaries could you set to safeguard your well-being?
Describe yourself with the first ten words that come to your mind; do you like who you've described?
Note: this post is not a substitute for therapy. Self-sabotaging can manifest in different behaviours unique to the individual. If you find yourself caught in a cycle of self-destructing behaviours, working with a mental health professional can help you. With their guidance, you can uncover the core beliefs that lead to self-sabotaging and learn strategies to overcome them.
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Be encouraged and be blessed.
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